What it really feels like to be a 30 year old single woman

The image that first comes to mind when I hear of a 30 something, unmarried woman is an impeccably dressed woman, coffee in one hand and laptop on the other, cruising through corporate meetings and climbing up ladders of success faster than you can say Flibbertigibbet. The internet is full of articles glorifying single-hood, applauding the independent woman and they truly deserve it! But is it all glory and no pain?

Not every 30, single woman is an epitome of success. What about the woman who has devoted the precious years of her youth to her career but was not successful? How does she feel?

There are good days. Bright, sunny days when you believe that all hope is not lost. You work with renewed passion for that promotion which was promised last year but not delivered. You ain't gonna stop till you're the CEO! You smile at the couple on the subway believing that someday you too will be intertwined in someone's arms. Just another pay hike, just another job switch and you too might settle down. Isn't "settling down" so cliche? Nah, you would rather go on a world tour instead. After all, it's so much better to be alone and not dependent on someone else and it feels liberated to not need anybody's approval.

But there are dark days too. When you're smiling at the camera guy at your last bachelor cousin's wedding reception. The agony aunts no longer pester you asking about when you'll get married. Did you spot pity in their eyes? Have they too, just like you, considered you a lost cause? You see the couple walking on the pavement, holding hands and you wonder if they are more likeable, desirable than you. You try to reason with yourself that you're better than them- you've chosen your education and career over a relationship. After all, you're a strong, independent, successful woman! And then you remember that you're not exactly successful either. 

Suddenly you feel that all is lost. You have wasted away the golden years of your life in a corner office chasing the mirage of accomplishment with money and career growth as your yardstick. The idea of being married isn't tempting to you, but sometimes when you're struggling with a presentation late at night and in a moment of aimless scrolling through Facebook you see your friends check into exotic locations with their partners, you feel a pang of jealousy-infused pain.

Those days you drag yourself home. You cry in the shower. You hug your pillow and pretend that the solution to your woes lies in a tub of ice-cream or a bottle of wine. This is a pain you cannot share with even your besties. They all look up to you as the invincible, unbreakable woman and you couldn't bear to show them your vulnerable side.  You skip dinner and fall asleep with Coldplay playing in your earphones. And dream that tomorrow will be a brighter day.