I was going through some online help websites on how to cope with an abusive parent and out of the ways listed to handle the situation, one way is to talk to someone about the matter. Since I have no one to talk to and my husband doesn't want to listen, I am listing everything here. This should also serve as evidence in case I am pushed off the edge of self-harm and if anyone cares enough about me to investigate.
This is in continuation to my previous post titled "My Story". You already know how my mother considers my birth as the reason for all her failures (although I'm not sure how having a child at 38 can cause "failure" if even at 38 you haven't succeeded in life). Having gone through a lifetime of verbal abuse and parental conflicts, I had gotten pretty used to it. Until the fateful night of Dec, 2021.
My cousin sister got married in Dec, 2021. We weren't best friends, but we were close enough to travel to work together and talk to each other regularly. The families were also in good relation and we would visit each other's homes occasionally and share our lives to some extent. Her family had an associate, let's call him D, who was pretty much a part of their family and by extension, we were in good terms with him as well. He is much older than me and has an adolescent son and an estranged wife. I would address him as "elder brother" and there was nothing between us to suggest otherwise.
Since my sister getting married was quite a big deal, I had participated in almost all the programs that she had arranged. During the course of those programs, I had interacted with everyone, including D, in a public setting. On the day of the wedding, D, being one of the main organizers was quite busy, so just when we were about to leave the venue for the night, he came up to me, my mother, and my father, and did some small talk and ensured that we were on our way. During the conversation, he placed a hand on my shoulder in a casual brotherly manner, which I took no notice of. We came home, and went to bed, and no discussion took place about any of this.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks, and my mother accused D of touching me inappropriately in the wedding venue and started messaging and calling all our relatives to say the same. Pretty much everyone was disgusted with her for bringing up these accusations and a few relatives were quick to drop all contact with us. We confronted her in our cousin's house, in front of D, where I clearly stated that no such outrageous behaviour was ever meted out on me, to which she accused me of being an accomplice to his behaviour. Mind you, this incident happened when my own marriage was nearly fixed and my mother being fully aware that I am engaged to someone else and about to get married to him shortly.
Since 2021 till today as we near the end of 2023, she has told innumerable people, both relatives and strangers, about that incident that never took place, maligning D and also dragging my name into the mud along with his. My cousin and her family, and of course D, are no longer in talking terms with our family, but my mother still continues to accuse me of keeping in touch with them. She regularly threatens to call my "in-laws" and "tell them all about me", which will serve her no purpose but simply cause trouble in my marriage.
I thought this was an one-off incident but I see her everyday getting bolder with her accusations. She often makes up incidents in her mind which never happened ("You were crying on the day of the marriage because you wanted to meet your cousin's mother" or "I know you and D still talk to each other" or "The drunkard goons in our locality come here and cause a ruckus every night (which is true) because you are in illicit relation with them (which is untrue as I have called the cops on them 3 times)". Maybe she has some mental illness but I have run out of empathy for her to care.
A few months ago, she was hospitalized with a case of stomach infection. I took her to the nursing home, signed her in as her guardian. She did not have her proper documents so within a span on 3 days I had to get a duplicate PAN card and an affidavit to prove her identity because her name in her medical insurance did not match her ID proof. This was not an easy task for me, and neither is it a task that a woman is expected to do all alone on her own. However, I did it all, and I heard not a single word of gratitude. Oh but I did hear the same thing she always says: "Well, I never asked you to do any of this". That's funny, because no one else turned up to see her at the hospital or afterwards even, so I'm not sure who exactly she was relying on. Also, India still hasn't become advanced enough where you can walk into a hospital and admit yourself without a companion.
At this moment, as I turn 35 next month, and my creatinine levels are touching almost 6.0, I cannot deal with this drama anymore. I wish I had a place to go to (which I had secretly hoped that would be my husband's place after marriage, but that is a whole different drama where I do not wish to participate) but I don't have any, so I am stuck here. My mother's behaviour is draining my father and I, physically and mentally, and I wish I could envision an end to this abuse but I cannot. The laws of this country are strict and proactive in cases where children abuse their elderly parents. There are countless books and movies glorifying parents and their sacrifices. However, there isn't a single law, a book, or even a public figure that stands up and talks about the issue of a toxic parent. Our culture doesn't recognize that parents can be abusive too, which lets people like my mother run amok even after constantly harassing us for decades.
